Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Murder of One

There is a sorrow in me the last few days that I just can't shake. I feel so very detached from a real life, almost like an out of body experience. I go through the motions, too tired to participate. Tonight I spent some time cleaning out my inbox and found some old emails to and from my husband. They made me cry as I thought about how much things have changed. But have they? Or is it me that has changed and the way I see the world? I didn't cry as if I was mourning the loss of a husband or love or a marriage but rather for how lost and clearly confused and misguided I was (am?).

It was so strange to read the words we once wrote to each other, but they have a very different meaning now. I was so brazen in my codependancy, I had no idea what I was doing or saying. But there were a few moments of recognition on my part; here is an excerpt from one:

I do not want this to erode any trust between us. To my knowledge, before yesterday you had never lied to me about how much you had to drink. I know that I can't control what you do with constant scrutiny. I can't change your behaviour, but I can tell you how damaging it is to our family and marriage. I am angry because I have no recourse. I can't change you. What am I supposed to do with the anger that I experience in the course of all of this? I won't subject (daughter) to yelling, screaming retaliation, but I am hurting her just as badly if I keep it inside and just grow resentful. Even writing this is a weak and ineffective measure, but I am at a loss as to what other options I have. I know all too well that my hands are tied. I could scream and cry and beg or I can stay at a calm, measured distance and try to remain supportive and loving, as I have tried to do, but I know deep down that both approches have an equal chance of ending happily as it does ending very painfully.

I can now see that it was very childish of me to think that patience and love were a cure-all. I can see too, from a cold academic distance, that when you get drunk that it does not mean that I haven't loved you enough or been patient enough, but it doesn't feel that way. I thought I understood alcoholism, but I can see that I truly don't understand why you can't stop at one or two drinks. When you don't stop I feel like you're telling me, "Screw you and all the changes you've put me through", "I want to escape from the prison you've made for me", "I hate my life and you and (daughter)", "I don't want another child", "I hate that you're putting our family under all this financial pressure for your own selfish reasons", "I don't care that I am putting my safety and health at risk", and "Nothing matters more than drinking".


Wow. I sure knew the words to say but still couldn't find the strength to live it. That was written four years ago. I am exhausted from this ordeal and just want to run away. I felt like I was really getting the "program" but perhaps out of being overwhelmed I have let myself falter a bit. This is where I need a sponsor I think to help me gain perspective and support. I have scheduled Friday afternoon off from work and made arrangements to stay overnight away to regroup and rest. Now if I can just get out of my head long enough to enjoy the time and not feel guilty about leaving my kids.

5 comments:

  1. Taking care of yourself needs to be your first priority - I remember I was told this when I was leaving the hopsital with my first son, I was terrified, where was the instruction manual?!

    But truer words I have never heard - and they apply to you now. Right now.

    When I first began al anon - a real program I did it in waves, like the ocean, I would roll with full force and excitement and anticipation and then I would lag back, slow up, recover some, listen to my fearful and unforgiving mind lead me back to doubting myself...and when that phase was finished I would once again go full force. The longer I work this program of mine the shorter these waves and lapses become, but they are still very much there.

    I knew at least 10 years ago, but like you felt helpless to do anything, what was my recourse afterall? You put everything into such a fluid post.

    I am here for you.

    Cat

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  2. you're doing the right thing to go away and recharge. after all, what use are you to anyone, even yourself, if you're running on empty. yet the feeling of guilt while doing it. i know that feeling all too well. and even though i'm beginning to experience times of guilt-free enjoyment, it is still not a constant. be assured, that the more you do it, the more you practice it, the better and easier it becomes. good luck!

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  3. you do need to remove yourself, put your mind, body, and soul in a different area away from the everyday routine. focus on you, however that may be. i wish you the best of luck, and i hope peace finds its way to your door.
    hugs and smiles,

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  4. "I can't change your behaviour, but I can tell you how damaging it is to our family and marriage. I am angry because I have no recourse. I can't change you. What am I supposed to do with the anger that I experience in the course of all of this? I won't subject (daughter) to yelling, screaming retaliation, but I am hurting her just as badly if I keep it inside and just grow resentful. Even writing this is a weak and ineffective measure, but I am at a loss as to what other options I have. I know all too well that my hands are tied. I could scream and cry and beg or I can stay at a calm, measured distance and try to remain supportive and loving, as I have tried to do, but I know deep down that both approches have an equal chance of ending happily as it does ending very painfully.


    Amen. I opted to be calm, measured and loving instead of having screaming fights in front of the children. Well, my husband STILL screamed at me in front of them, and when I didn't scream back I was accused of hurting him with the silent treatment.

    You truly are doing the right thing removing yourself from the toxicity you're in right now. Then it will be easier to decide what's in you and your kids' best interest. And, of course, to listen to the voice of God. Allison

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  5. That's a great letter. It takes a lot of courage to write and then carry through. I agree with you that getting a sponsor would help. It was only after I got a sponsor and worked the steps with my sponsor that I truly began to walk the talk. I hope that you enjoy your away time. Recharging and getting some peace around active alcoholism would seem to be essential. Take care of yourself.

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