What makes one marriage work and another fail? For some time now, I have felt that a divorce is inevitable in my marriage, but concern for my children has kept me from making a final decision. I have a fantasy in my mind about how this process would go if I could craft it from start to finish. I would sit down, explain to my husband that I wanted a divorce and he would calmly and insightfully note that he too thought that after thinking for a while and trying every option, that he too thought it was best for all involved parties that we went our separate ways. We then resolve to sit down and figure out how we can best spend our time with our children, set up housing for all and acquire gainful employment for husband.
Remember, I said it was a fantasy. My husband is a man who struggles with making a decision about what to have for supper and is largely frozen in fear about how to handle the bigger issues in life. I have enabled him to not develop that process by making all those decisions for him. And by not taking any action, I keep teaching him how to treat me. Why I continue to expect different results from him just because I asked is really absurd. And intellectually I know this, but apparently the translator in my brain that tells me to take action has lost its decoder key. Or maybe I never had it to being with.
I am really pretty good with giving my children choices and following through on the consequences if they don't follow through. I keep forgetting that I am not dealing with an adult (in my husband) that understands that process. So what am I waiting for? Perhaps there are some alcoholics who grow into this process and learn, but I see very little change in him, and he has been abstaining for well over two years now. And now I realize that my decision to leave or stay has very little to do with him, what he is doing or not doing.
I think a marriage becomes its own entity in a way, and we certainly had our roles to play. I don't think that it is possible for it to continue to exist now that I no longer am willing to play my original role. We never developed mechanisms for communication. I anticipated everyones needs and I did the work and made the decisions to facilitate those actions. When that is the dynamic of a marriage, is it really possible to scrap it and start over? It certainly doesn't feel like it can from my vantage point. From where I'm standing I now realize that even if I am capable of taking care of everything it doesn't make a partnership when I dominate the decision making process. But I can't make my husband meet me halfway in this process, and he has not shown any interest or desire in stepping up to the plate.
So I wait. I don't like it. I fear that I am wasting the precious gift that is my life. And my children's life as well.
Hello out there
1 year ago