Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I'm amazed right now that in the wee hours of the morning that I realize I need courage. I am sleep deprived with a child with the flu, and my concern is courage? It seems a lofty goal.

Since my last post in May life has changed dramatically. I have moved into a house with just me and the kids. Their father is now employed outside of the home. For these past three months, life has been hectic and full of changes. I have spent the time making this our home, and trying to figure out my next move. I know that a divorce is in our future. For a very long time, even long before I moved, I had lost that "feeling", and I just can't get it back. I wondered if a little distance would remind me, but all it did was highlight the fact that we never had a partnership at all. It's a very sad place to be. I don't feel so mournful for myself, but rather for the ways that my children's lives will change. My god, this all just sucks.

But now it's time to go, and I'm frozen. Going to an attorney and filing divorce paperwork feels like the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. Lately I find myself laying in bed saying the serenity prayer over and over until my mind quiets enough to fall asleep. I guess that is what some might call prayer or meditation, but it's the first time in my life that I have felt that power. It's nice to know that I really do have the ability to get ahold of the irrational thoughts in my head - sometimes I feel as though I should just recite that prayer all day every day.

I'm holding up progress and letting my fears get the best of me. The unknown. But I suppose we live with the unknown every day - it's just the blissful lack of awareness that leads us to believe otherwise. I just need the courage to lift myself up and move forward.