Changes

For at least the past year, my husband and I have slept in different rooms. I am usually the one home the latest, I go out to take care of my dad and go by the office after I put the kids to bed. Husband is normally asleep by this time and I go and sleep wherever he isn't. But last night he was the one home late, and I was already in the bed we used to share. He came in there to sleep with me. I was watching a movie, and he curled up on his edge of the bed and went to sleep. Once my movie was done, I did the same thing. It was one of the worst nights sleep I've ever had. I was uncomfortable, sweaty, tossed and turned all night long. And for the first time in a very long time I dreamed.



In this dream, I was in a big house with a random group of people. It was in a fairly large city that is just about an hour away from where I live. We, this group and I, had already driven most of the way home, but turned around about five minutes from home and went back to this odd, half-abandoned house. In the drive back to the house with all of these people, I cried and cried and begged to go home, that I had to get to my children. These folks acted as if there was nothing they could do to help me.



When we arrived back at this house, I started packing. But I couldn't find my stuff. It was spread out everywhere, and where I needed about ten steamer trunks, I had a little train case to fit all this random junk. I ran around the house with a sense of urgency, knowing that I needed to hurry so that I didn't miss the next car heading home, but I couldn't get my shit together. What would I leave behind, what would come with me? There was a feeling of finality, that what I left I would never see again. The frustration level was palpable.



I woke up at this point and saw that my husband was gone. He left for a hike for the day with some friends. I tried and tried to go back to sleep, but my mind was atwitter with these thoughts of home. I realized at that point that I could wake up, make some coffee and have some time by myself before the kids woke up. My mind was connecting dots, taking this dream and some thoughts I had last night and integrating some old memories of when husband was drinking. I am feeling very prolific this morning, even thought it's early. That is unusual. I was trying to write some emails last night and I couldn't pull words out of my brain, and this morning I feel almost high, like I have so much to say.



I think it's the prospect of having a day with my kids by myself. This hasn't happened in a very long time. It makes me recognize my feelings about my husband, right, wrong, or indifferent. I feel like the life is sucked out of me when he's around. It takes a lot of energy for me to be with him and the kids. Now, I just need to make the most of this day. Hope you all have a wonderful Sunday.



P.S. This is the song I woke up singing. Boy, my brain is working overtime!