Sunday, March 15, 2009


For at least the past year, my husband and I have slept in different rooms. I am usually the one home the latest, I go out to take care of my dad and go by the office after I put the kids to bed. Husband is normally asleep by this time and I go and sleep wherever he isn't. But last night he was the one home late, and I was already in the bed we used to share. He came in there to sleep with me. I was watching a movie, and he curled up on his edge of the bed and went to sleep. Once my movie was done, I did the same thing. It was one of the worst nights sleep I've ever had. I was uncomfortable, sweaty, tossed and turned all night long. And for the first time in a very long time I dreamed.

In this dream, I was in a big house with a random group of people. It was in a fairly large city that is just about an hour away from where I live. We, this group and I, had already driven most of the way home, but turned around about five minutes from home and went back to this odd, half-abandoned house. In the drive back to the house with all of these people, I cried and cried and begged to go home, that I had to get to my children. These folks acted as if there was nothing they could do to help me.

When we arrived back at this house, I started packing. But I couldn't find my stuff. It was spread out everywhere, and where I needed about ten steamer trunks, I had a little train case to fit all this random junk. I ran around the house with a sense of urgency, knowing that I needed to hurry so that I didn't miss the next car heading home, but I couldn't get my shit together. What would I leave behind, what would come with me? There was a feeling of finality, that what I left I would never see again. The frustration level was palpable.

I woke up at this point and saw that my husband was gone. He left for a hike for the day with some friends. I tried and tried to go back to sleep, but my mind was atwitter with these thoughts of home. I realized at that point that I could wake up, make some coffee and have some time by myself before the kids woke up. My mind was connecting dots, taking this dream and some thoughts I had last night and integrating some old memories of when husband was drinking. I am feeling very prolific this morning, even thought it's early. That is unusual. I was trying to write some emails last night and I couldn't pull words out of my brain, and this morning I feel almost high, like I have so much to say.

I think it's the prospect of having a day with my kids by myself. This hasn't happened in a very long time. It makes me recognize my feelings about my husband, right, wrong, or indifferent. I feel like the life is sucked out of me when he's around. It takes a lot of energy for me to be with him and the kids. Now, I just need to make the most of this day. Hope you all have a wonderful Sunday.

P.S. This is the song I woke up singing. Boy, my brain is working overtime!


  1. I think I know what you mean. My husband has a difficult time being positive when its not all about him - all weekend its was complaint after compalint and it has a way of sucking the life out of me - I told him how it made me feel - he came up with excuses - and still persisted in his behavior... I think he is unaware how to change it or perhpas he is some days as miserable around me as I am around him...

  2. I hope that you had a good day. Many alcoholics suffer from other illnesses such as bipolar disease or depression. Once I saw alcoholism as a disease,I had more compassion for my wife.

  3. It's now Monday afternoon and I hope that your day yesterday improved.

    I don't know anything about alcoholism or drug addiction, but I do know about lonliness.

    The best way out is to start down the road of deciding what makes "you" happy, and how much of that includes him? Do you want him? Could he be a piece that fits into your puzzle or was he thrown in by mistake?

    I've been down this road, seperate rooms, seperate sides of the bed, not for months, but years.

    Try the journey of communication together, work through the pot holes and speed bumps, see where you end up.

    It may be worth it.

    BIG hug and smiles,

  4. Rosalia, I just wanted to say that I found your blog this afternoon and have chill bumps about how similar our lives have been. A dry alcoholic who wouldn't work, yelled at the kids, had tantrums when we weren't trying to provoke them at all, stewed in self-pity, insisted on being the victim, stayed stuck....

    I filed for divorce last week. I couldn't take it anymore. I had just posted on my blog about how alone I felt, and now that I've found your blog, I don't feel as alone anymore. I haven't been able to catch up on all of your posts, but our 2008s were eerily similar.

    The irony of my filing for divorce is that since my dry alcoholic husband is the "stay-at-home parent" I'll probably have to pay him child support.

    I hate this disease and I hate that I let myself be vulnerable to it without realizing what was going on.