Friday, January 2, 2009

Everywhere you go, there you are

I have avoided new posts the past week. I didn't really know why until today. The sadness deep in me is suddenly palpable; if I put it all down in black and white I think I've been afraid I might just lay down and cry. But I can't give in, can I? I fantasize about a vacation by myself where I could sleep and write and cry as needed. As the sole financial support for this family, a caregiver to my father, and chauffeur to daughter's speech therapy twice weekly with a one hour drive each just seems irresponsible. Besides, as my mother so famously says, "Everywhere you go, there you are". Would a few days away by myself give me a break from my brain? Unfortunately not.

This past week husband has been so strange. I think he realizes how thin the ice he's skating truly is. This behaviour not only confuses me but makes me mad as hell. He hasn't been yelling at the kids, which is great. But then he wants to cut up and joke with me like nothing is wrong. He actually tried to kiss me as I pulled out of the driveway the other felt so foreign, so wrong. We have not slept in the same room for the better part of a year. We hardly speak most of the time, and when we do it's about the kids. About once a week I try to "check in" with him to see where he is on finding a therapist or treatment or a job, but it always descends quickly into him being angry and defensive. So this last week or two makes me want to crawl out of my skin, but even more it makes me question myself, and that feels worse than anything!

I want a divorce. I just feel guilty for wanting it, like I haven't tried hard enough, or that I am not thinking of my kids enough. When I have some clarity, I can let go of those issues. But my head is so cloudy right now and I'm just really tired.