There is a sorrow in me the last few days that I just can't shake. I feel so very detached from a real life, almost like an out of body experience. I go through the motions, too tired to participate. Tonight I spent some time cleaning out my inbox and found some old emails to and from my husband. They made me cry as I thought about how much things have changed. But have they? Or is it me that has changed and the way I see the world? I didn't cry as if I was mourning the loss of a husband or love or a marriage but rather for how lost and clearly confused and misguided I was (am?).
It was so strange to read the words we once wrote to each other, but they have a very different meaning now. I was so brazen in my codependancy, I had no idea what I was doing or saying. But there were a few moments of recognition on my part; here is an excerpt from one:
I do not want this to erode any trust between us. To my knowledge, before yesterday you had never lied to me about how much you had to drink. I know that I can't control what you do with constant scrutiny. I can't change your behaviour, but I can tell you how damaging it is to our family and marriage. I am angry because I have no recourse. I can't change you. What am I supposed to do with the anger that I experience in the course of all of this? I won't subject (daughter) to yelling, screaming retaliation, but I am hurting her just as badly if I keep it inside and just grow resentful. Even writing this is a weak and ineffective measure, but I am at a loss as to what other options I have. I know all too well that my hands are tied. I could scream and cry and beg or I can stay at a calm, measured distance and try to remain supportive and loving, as I have tried to do, but I know deep down that both approches have an equal chance of ending happily as it does ending very painfully.
I can now see that it was very childish of me to think that patience and love were a cure-all. I can see too, from a cold academic distance, that when you get drunk that it does not mean that I haven't loved you enough or been patient enough, but it doesn't feel that way. I thought I understood alcoholism, but I can see that I truly don't understand why you can't stop at one or two drinks. When you don't stop I feel like you're telling me, "Screw you and all the changes you've put me through", "I want to escape from the prison you've made for me", "I hate my life and you and (daughter)", "I don't want another child", "I hate that you're putting our family under all this financial pressure for your own selfish reasons", "I don't care that I am putting my safety and health at risk", and "Nothing matters more than drinking".
Wow. I sure knew the words to say but still couldn't find the strength to live it. That was written four years ago. I am exhausted from this ordeal and just want to run away. I felt like I was really getting the "program" but perhaps out of being overwhelmed I have let myself falter a bit. This is where I need a sponsor I think to help me gain perspective and support. I have scheduled Friday afternoon off from work and made arrangements to stay overnight away to regroup and rest. Now if I can just get out of my head long enough to enjoy the time and not feel guilty about leaving my kids.
Hello out there
10 months ago