Saturday, May 8, 2010

Beautiful Saturday Afternoon

What I've been thinking about lately;


Kind of a funny mix of things to contemplate. The other night in a flash of inspiration I realized that I needed to put pen to paper to write down some house rules for the kids. I have plenty of rules that I am constantly making them compliant with, but it dawned on me that they likely don't know what they, how can I expect them to know how to properly behave? Really, we don't have any behaviour problems, well, I guess I should say they don't...I certainly do.

Once I hatched this idea, I started the process of thinking about what the rules should be...holy moly, I was lost. Not only was I lost I realized that my "grey" thinking that most things are not black or white was kinda bullshit. There is right and wrong and furthermore we all have to draw lines in our lives about what we will accept and what we won't accept.

At 35 I have not done this. What a revelation. I always thought I was so flexible and could so easily go with the flow, and that this was the way to be. In reality, I have just accepted by proxy whatever crap has come down the pike and worked myself around whatever or whomever I wanted to please. Sure, on a day to day basis I mostly do what I want, but the big things of which I dare to dream I think elude me because I am pathologically tolerant. The big things being a peaceful life, a comforting home, and loving, supportive relationships...I have gone about finding these things in mostly the wrong ways.

Why is it that the most basic tenets of life are the hardest to attain? Be the one that annoys me the most and I realize now why that is so...I have been more of a chameleon than authentically myself. In approaching life this way, I have put myself in a position that I am in constant flux, glomming myself into whatever shape, color or behaviour that others around me expect. But where in this mix are my lines of what I will take and what I won't?? The answer is quite simple...they haven't existed. Deep within me lies the vibrant memory of feeling abandoned and less than...does everyone have this childhood memory or just a subset of people? The techniques I developed as a child to combat these feelings I came to accept as an adult as simply "who I am". But the fact is that they aren't who I really am and furthermore they no longer serve me as an adult. In reality, they hurt me and the people I love the most. My fear of being left behind has caused me to accept behaviour in people that deeply pains me and sets in motion a terrible cycle which ultimately results in a self-fulfilling prophesy. I throw up my hands in frustration and pain and leave the one whom I have allowed to take advantage of me time and again. But I accepted that behaviour at one point or another...and taught them that it was okay because I did not know how to draw that line.

Drawing lines is but one facet of this two headed monster...the other is being a black hole of fear. Fear has made me seek control where I had none and to behave in crazy, needy ways. Bleh.

Okay, this is all I feel like writing today. Will tackle allegiance and freedom later...