Sunday, May 10, 2009

Any Way The Wind Blows

I can tell that I am in more than a minor funk. I really feel as if I have lead in my behind; a physical reason that I cannot move - and that the energy one would normally use to move their body, has been transferred to my brain to use in the meantime. So it seems lately that I do a lot of sitting in a chair with my brain racing. It's not pretty. I am short tempered and even have physical symptoms to accompany this already poor situation - I think I have some sort of pinched nerve in my back or neck because my shoulders and right arm and hand are almost always feeling fuzzy, like they are asleep. Also crampy and suffering slightly from the wine I had with my mother last night.

I'm a real bundle of joy on this Mother's Day. I know that I have let myself become paralyzed with fear, and I have read literature, I have attended my meeting regularly. I have not yet identified a true sponsor, and the one I do feel connected to has a work schedule that is opposite of mine.

My husband walks around the house and mumbles under his breath about the things he is angry about. I have wanted to scream at him but I have let it go; he is so manic and I am allowing myself to be blown about by his every mood swing. It is so difficult to even realize how much I let that happen, and by the time I do realize, I have largely internalized that feeling of craziness. Last night he sat up waiting for me to come home from my mothers, and when I finally did he told me that he had ridden past my mother's house and didn't see my car there. I had gone to the grocery to pick up items he had requested and then returned to her house and stayed a while longer.

Even though I hadn't done anything wrong, I felt so backed into a corner and guilty as hell. This is a very familiar feeling and I allowed it to keep me up for some time last night. My mind raced, I vaciliated between that feeling of guilt and haughtiness. How dare he accuse me? But I had acted so guilty when he asked where I had been, I was like a kid who had been caught red-handed. I could hardly put together two words without fumbling over them. It's so fucked up. He was clearly angry but wouldn't come out and say what he really thought, but this morning, life is perfect. I'm his baby, his honey. His fear won't let him say what he's scared of either. He knows that right now we are barely hanging by a thread. I hate this bullshit cycle of passive-agressiveness, but as I said earlier, I have a tough time recognizing what I am doing until I'm largely embroiled in a bad situation.

How do married couples learn to make it through this alcoholism-codependancy thing? It seems to me that our decision to marry was based on shifting sands - I wanted an alcoholic to care for and he wanted me to mother him. I don't want to be his mother nor do I need an alcoholic in my life to make me feel good about myself - so what role could he play in my life now? Our children will forever bind us together, but I just can't see how we could ever intereact in a real way with each other. He keeps wanting us to "be like we used to be", but those two people don't exist anymore. I have no feelings of attraction whatsoever for him, and our physical relationship only existed when he was drinking, so it was never healthy to begin with. Outside of our already non-existent physical marriage are differences that also seem too vast to bridge - how to care for and raise our daughter with the challenges she faces (non-verbal, sensory processing) and to properly discipline our bright son who already exhibits an over-developed sense of responsibility. Throw in my father who requires lots of time and a job managing investments and the stress levels are palpable and very real.

My husband has demonstrated time and again that he doesn't want to help me shoulder these responsibilites. They are real and I can't remove them from our lives. Am I to believe that I should spend the next untold years of my life waiting for something that might never change? I did not marry ever thinking that I would divorce; in fact I was one of those people who thought that divorce was for those with a weak constitution - that once you made that committment of marriage that you stayed no matter what! My parents divorced after being married 30 years, and I just swore I was never going to do that too. But when I started to realize what the problem was here with my husband, and I started to really work on me, divorce became a thought I started entertaining.

I just don't know what else to do. I'm in therapy, I'm attending (and begining to really "get" Al-Anon) meetings and taking care of my responsibilities. But I can't make my husband live. How in the hell do you ever resolve an impossible situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If I leave, I worry about the effects on my children. If I stay, I worry about the effects on my children. Clearly, I am getting nowhere in this circular thinking.

And now I bought a house, we're going (me and the kids) and he's staying. If I wanted some change, we'll I've got it coming in spades. Better get the lead out of my ass and quick.

Monday, May 4, 2009

When Does It Get Easier?

I am signing a contract tomorrow to buy a house. I first looked at this house a year ago, and while it was not perfect in every way, I was excited to find a place in our same area with lots more room and fantastic neighbors, and a good deal on the price as well. While I was not yet an active Al-Anoner, as much as I wanted this house, I wanted my husband to participate in the decision making process and I resolved to not make a move without his explicit input one way or the other.

Well, time went on and he never would really make a decision. So I gave up on the house. I would drive by it from time to time and longingly stare. Meanwhile, things really started to change with my husband and I realized sometime early this year that I had to find a way to get myself in a better place, literally and figuratively. At the time I thought divorce was the only option, but fantasized about separate households. The time, the sounded like a great idea.

So, I approached the realtor and started the negotiating process. At the same time, I told my husband of my idea. He was not happy, nor did he share my exuberance for the plan. I told him to take the summer off, to find himself and what he wanted out of his life. When the school year began for the kids we would figure out what the next move would be. It all sounded so good to me.

But now, reality is closing in. What was I thinking? How am I going to do this? How are the kids going to feel? How am I going to feel? I am feeling crushed with sentimentality for the house we live in now, even though I have disliked it from the day we moved here. I have put stupid pressure on myself financially as well. Maybe my husband will find a job and help out.

I just wanted the chance to breathe and see what life holds for me now without making a drastic decision until I had a clearer head. But right now all I feel is stressed and confused. How can my feelings about this situation feel so different now than when I first hatched this idea? I feel like a major fuck-up, and I am judging myself very harshly.

I have forgotten what has brought me to this place. The feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and pain I have felt in my marriage for years. Why can't I remember all the tears and anger that have transpired? My husband is on his best behaviour because he is scared and it is confusing me terribly. Why can't I remember all of the things that have made me felt as if I didn't have a husband at all, but rather another child? I keep telling myself that I haven't done anything that can't be revisited and revised. But why the guilt now? WHY?

I am trying to let go and give some of this to my HP, but I haven't practiced that enough yet...still figuring that one out. But I am trying and I guess that's all I can do. I need some help - can you dear folks share some experience, strength and hope? I need help.