Just An Update

It's been weeks now since my last post. I think nearly every day of wanting to sit down and write, but nothing is coming out. Things have been busy, and lots of changes looming on the horizon, ready or not we all are for them.

On the good news front, I have found and attended an Al-Anon meeting that I really love. I've gone two weeks in a row now, and while that might not seem like much, I am thrilled. I like the group and the good vibes that come out of it. I feel different too; something has taken ahold of me that is spurring me forward - I feel like I "get" what has been going on in my head my whole life. Perhaps the reason I've been so tired and not felt like I've had much to say is because I am like a little sponge right now, reading, reading, reading, thinking, thinking, thinking. I have my stack of ODAT, Courage To Change, Hope For Tomorrow and a Thomas Merton book that I am loving.

I went to the Abbey of Gethsemani yesterday and bought a medal of Lady Gethsemani to remind me constantly of my role in this world and my higher powers role...that is a very big chasm to bridge right now, but I am grateful for the awareness. I also bought it as a birthday reminder to myself of how I am just a baby in this process of recovery. I arbitrarily chose my first meeting a few weeks ago as my birthday, because I needed a marker of time to help me recall that this process and journey is a long, slow marathon.

I have more to add, but my family just awoke and we have a busy morning. My nephew and godson is making his first holy communion. I am approaching this higher power concept from a different angle and as the sun shines in the window this morning, I am joyful. More later...enjoy this beautiful day.

Rebirth

I sit like a voyeur looking tonight at pictures of other peoples families - some friends, some family. I am jealous and angry. I see pictures of the zoo with kids, on the farm climbing trees, celebrating holidays. The captions are simple, relaying the details of what they seem to think are mundane activities. It sincerely makes me want to scream. Why isn't that my life? Well, it is my life, with one exception - it is me and my kids, not their Dad, not my husband. I have snapshots of others for which I am grateful;, my mom, sister, brother, friends & their kids - but it's not the same and I am just as angry for my kids as I am for myself.

Am I placing too much importance on the events in life that we tend to photograph? I know the trap of comparing my insides to someone else's outsides, but these are not grand galas, tropical vacations, and perfect homes of which I am wishing. It's every day life. The pictures are not perfect, not everyone is smiling and looking at the camera; they are not all "beautiful people" - they are just people who have parents and a spouse (significant other - whatever)who want to live and be a part of life.

And perhaps even sadder is the fact that I know my husband is a good and kind man, well-intentioned. The fact of the matter is that we have different views of what makes a life. Holiday weekends highlight this to me, and something in my bones tells me this may be the last holiday that we spend together. Not once is there mention of what we're doing for the kids for Easter, taking them to see the Easter Bunny, Easter outfits, going to mass, buying candy...nothing.

Last night I sat on the floor of the family room putting together two scooters - the Easter Bunny brought them instead of a lot of candy - and filling eggs to hide. My husband sat in a chair, not five feet from me, and asked after I was halfway through if I needed any help. No thanks. Where was he when I was coloring eggs with a 3 & 5 year old in the kitchen a few hours earlier? Watching TV. This has gone on for so long, that I not only don't want him to help, I really don't want him to even be around. It pisses me off that he gets to enjoy their happiness when he's done nothing to help.

Being compassionate toward him because of his alcoholism is something that I just can't bring myself to do. I have struggled with my own demons and while not perfect, now that I have kids, I won't let this horrible cycle of codependancy and alcoholism continue to affect at least me and my children. Why can't he find a sponsor, a home group, a therapist, a job? If he lived in a world by himself then I might be better able to understand. But he has so much more to live for, and I just cannot, and will not condone this behaviour any longer.

It's easy to rant, hard to follow through. I'm so tired of talking to him and getting nowhere. I'm just plain tired. Maybe some rest and a sunrise service at a nearby Abbey in the morning will help. I need strength to find my way.

Revelations Part 1

I love the transformation that has begun. It seems to happen innocently enough, today as I was having lunch with a friend I had a swift and sudden realization - (wait for it - wait - wait) I have been letting my husbands action and/or inaction control my every move.

I finally see it. REALLY.

I know you may have been expecting something more dramatic, perhaps like the secret of life, but that realization feels like the secret to MY life. I have been pondering divorce and happiness, and how to decide how I will figure out what is the right and best thing to do for me. I have been telling myself that I would wait until the fall when my children are finally both in school, and if by then, my husband had not found a job and/or a program that he was really plugged into, THEN I could leave. To me, that sounded logical. Until today when I realized - gasp - that all of those things (other than the kids being enrolled in school which I have already taken care of) were out of my sphere of control.

Sounds so obvious, I know. I furthermore realized that I was waiting for him to screw up to justify my leaving. Oh lord.

I am amazed at how these things are slowly revealed to me, just a little at a time. As if the universe knows when it's time for me to learn a new lesson. And I am grateful for that. I want to take this new perspective and just soak it in for a while.

What A Difference A Day Makes

So, I went and had lunch yesterday with my Al-Anon friend...I think for ease of discussion I'll call her my Sponsor, even though that is not wholly accurate for now. Lunch was amazing. We found lots of common threads in our upbringings and even how we behave as adults. She's five years in the program and seems to me to be a fantastic touchstone, and yet she's still very humble and human. She talked about some of the things in her life that she was currently working on, and I felt very accepted and welcome to share in a dialouge.

We talked about meetings in our area and she shared with me which one was her home group. She has recently changed jobs and her schedule is not conducive to making as many meeting as she used to. This is also a barrier to developing a sponsor-sponsee relationship, but I think and hope that there will still be time to develop a closeness that can be beneficial to both of us.

I came out of our lunch with a powerful feeling of calm. I was slowed down...I thought before I answered questions, and didn't instantly jump to provide and explanation when I arrived back home to my husband. It was a wonderful but slightly foreign feeling.

So, after the lunch I went and picked up my daughter's Cinderella cake, and we went to a local hotel and swam all night long. She and her younger brother were absolutely exhausted. But when I woke up this morning, they were both snuggled up to me, and my arms were around both of them. I got no sleep, but savored every moment of being close to them without the tension that usually resides at home. And it was then, in the wee small hours of the morning light that I knew I was finally going in the right direction to be the best mother I can be to them.

Reaching Out

All week long I have been looking forward to Saturday. Earlier in the week, Monday, I think, I called a lady I had meet at an open AA meeting with my husband. I asked her if she would have lunch with me sometime soon and we settled on Saturday. I went on to explain to her that I called her because I need her help. She is an active Al-Anon participant, and I am hoping that she can help me craft a tangible program. She is kind, calm, and easy to get along with.

But now its Saturday morning and I feel reserved and apprehensive. What do I say? I am feeling insecure. I must have sounded that way on the phone Monday, because my friend said, "I hope you know that you're not bothering me, it's good that you took the time to pick up the phone and call." I have the hardest time reaching out to people, which I think is a fairly typical trait for us co-des.

I just feel out of my element. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm secretly hoping that she'll want to be my sponsor, but it's probably too soon to go down that road.

On a happy note, I am also celebrating my daughter's 5th birthday. She is the light of my life, a pure joy and delight. We're going to do a little swimming (indoors of course!) and eat some cake. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll keep you posted on how lunch goes.