Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Revelations Part 1

I love the transformation that has begun. It seems to happen innocently enough, today as I was having lunch with a friend I had a swift and sudden realization - (wait for it - wait - wait) I have been letting my husbands action and/or inaction control my every move.

I finally see it. REALLY.

I know you may have been expecting something more dramatic, perhaps like the secret of life, but that realization feels like the secret to MY life. I have been pondering divorce and happiness, and how to decide how I will figure out what is the right and best thing to do for me. I have been telling myself that I would wait until the fall when my children are finally both in school, and if by then, my husband had not found a job and/or a program that he was really plugged into, THEN I could leave. To me, that sounded logical. Until today when I realized - gasp - that all of those things (other than the kids being enrolled in school which I have already taken care of) were out of my sphere of control.

Sounds so obvious, I know. I furthermore realized that I was waiting for him to screw up to justify my leaving. Oh lord.

I am amazed at how these things are slowly revealed to me, just a little at a time. As if the universe knows when it's time for me to learn a new lesson. And I am grateful for that. I want to take this new perspective and just soak it in for a while.


  1. oh, moments like those are precious. soak in it all you need. and yes, you're learning slowly which you can and which you can't control. and then to let go. it was an eye-opener the first time i realised i purposely waited for someone to screw up, just so's i could validate my feelings or actions... good going girl!

  2. I have been where you are. It's miserable. Once I realized the dance that I was doing with others on control, it shook me. I realize that I just need to take care of myself and not the other person. It is like a weight is lifted.

  3. Seriously that is how it was for me as well - one more screw up and I am out the door I would tell myself...

    Change is good right?

  4. Rosalia, that was a huge realization. I'm glad you had that experience. It reminds me of when I realized that I was practicing anorexia in order to avoid thinking about my troubled marriage and realizing I needed to deal with it.

    My psychologist wasn't surprised at all, but it was an enormous insight for me. I'm happy for you! Allison