Monday, May 4, 2009

When Does It Get Easier?

I am signing a contract tomorrow to buy a house. I first looked at this house a year ago, and while it was not perfect in every way, I was excited to find a place in our same area with lots more room and fantastic neighbors, and a good deal on the price as well. While I was not yet an active Al-Anoner, as much as I wanted this house, I wanted my husband to participate in the decision making process and I resolved to not make a move without his explicit input one way or the other.

Well, time went on and he never would really make a decision. So I gave up on the house. I would drive by it from time to time and longingly stare. Meanwhile, things really started to change with my husband and I realized sometime early this year that I had to find a way to get myself in a better place, literally and figuratively. At the time I thought divorce was the only option, but fantasized about separate households. The time, the sounded like a great idea.

So, I approached the realtor and started the negotiating process. At the same time, I told my husband of my idea. He was not happy, nor did he share my exuberance for the plan. I told him to take the summer off, to find himself and what he wanted out of his life. When the school year began for the kids we would figure out what the next move would be. It all sounded so good to me.

But now, reality is closing in. What was I thinking? How am I going to do this? How are the kids going to feel? How am I going to feel? I am feeling crushed with sentimentality for the house we live in now, even though I have disliked it from the day we moved here. I have put stupid pressure on myself financially as well. Maybe my husband will find a job and help out.

I just wanted the chance to breathe and see what life holds for me now without making a drastic decision until I had a clearer head. But right now all I feel is stressed and confused. How can my feelings about this situation feel so different now than when I first hatched this idea? I feel like a major fuck-up, and I am judging myself very harshly.

I have forgotten what has brought me to this place. The feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and pain I have felt in my marriage for years. Why can't I remember all the tears and anger that have transpired? My husband is on his best behaviour because he is scared and it is confusing me terribly. Why can't I remember all of the things that have made me felt as if I didn't have a husband at all, but rather another child? I keep telling myself that I haven't done anything that can't be revisited and revised. But why the guilt now? WHY?

I am trying to let go and give some of this to my HP, but I haven't practiced that enough yet...still figuring that one out. But I am trying and I guess that's all I can do. I need some help - can you dear folks share some experience, strength and hope? I need help.


  1. hope there is always. the decision you made is admirable. finding new ground and a fresh start equally so. is it the right one? your instinct will tell. love and prayers for you.

  2. the whole HP thing for me as well needs practice, and its not an exact science at directing me on the right road...But spirituality helps me sort things through and some days I get to that place through exercise and other days through meditation and then, there are those days where I never find that place...

    its all trial and error with growth I think. A new place in our life presents us with new opportunities to develop a new perspective on who we are, or who we think we should be...

    I can relate - but instead I bought a car, without my husband. he refused to go with me and i refused to wait any longer so i went and bought my jeep brand new off the lot...just don't look back - look ahead - there is much hope ahead of you!