Sunday, May 10, 2009

Any Way The Wind Blows

I can tell that I am in more than a minor funk. I really feel as if I have lead in my behind; a physical reason that I cannot move - and that the energy one would normally use to move their body, has been transferred to my brain to use in the meantime. So it seems lately that I do a lot of sitting in a chair with my brain racing. It's not pretty. I am short tempered and even have physical symptoms to accompany this already poor situation - I think I have some sort of pinched nerve in my back or neck because my shoulders and right arm and hand are almost always feeling fuzzy, like they are asleep. Also crampy and suffering slightly from the wine I had with my mother last night.

I'm a real bundle of joy on this Mother's Day. I know that I have let myself become paralyzed with fear, and I have read literature, I have attended my meeting regularly. I have not yet identified a true sponsor, and the one I do feel connected to has a work schedule that is opposite of mine.

My husband walks around the house and mumbles under his breath about the things he is angry about. I have wanted to scream at him but I have let it go; he is so manic and I am allowing myself to be blown about by his every mood swing. It is so difficult to even realize how much I let that happen, and by the time I do realize, I have largely internalized that feeling of craziness. Last night he sat up waiting for me to come home from my mothers, and when I finally did he told me that he had ridden past my mother's house and didn't see my car there. I had gone to the grocery to pick up items he had requested and then returned to her house and stayed a while longer.

Even though I hadn't done anything wrong, I felt so backed into a corner and guilty as hell. This is a very familiar feeling and I allowed it to keep me up for some time last night. My mind raced, I vaciliated between that feeling of guilt and haughtiness. How dare he accuse me? But I had acted so guilty when he asked where I had been, I was like a kid who had been caught red-handed. I could hardly put together two words without fumbling over them. It's so fucked up. He was clearly angry but wouldn't come out and say what he really thought, but this morning, life is perfect. I'm his baby, his honey. His fear won't let him say what he's scared of either. He knows that right now we are barely hanging by a thread. I hate this bullshit cycle of passive-agressiveness, but as I said earlier, I have a tough time recognizing what I am doing until I'm largely embroiled in a bad situation.

How do married couples learn to make it through this alcoholism-codependancy thing? It seems to me that our decision to marry was based on shifting sands - I wanted an alcoholic to care for and he wanted me to mother him. I don't want to be his mother nor do I need an alcoholic in my life to make me feel good about myself - so what role could he play in my life now? Our children will forever bind us together, but I just can't see how we could ever intereact in a real way with each other. He keeps wanting us to "be like we used to be", but those two people don't exist anymore. I have no feelings of attraction whatsoever for him, and our physical relationship only existed when he was drinking, so it was never healthy to begin with. Outside of our already non-existent physical marriage are differences that also seem too vast to bridge - how to care for and raise our daughter with the challenges she faces (non-verbal, sensory processing) and to properly discipline our bright son who already exhibits an over-developed sense of responsibility. Throw in my father who requires lots of time and a job managing investments and the stress levels are palpable and very real.

My husband has demonstrated time and again that he doesn't want to help me shoulder these responsibilites. They are real and I can't remove them from our lives. Am I to believe that I should spend the next untold years of my life waiting for something that might never change? I did not marry ever thinking that I would divorce; in fact I was one of those people who thought that divorce was for those with a weak constitution - that once you made that committment of marriage that you stayed no matter what! My parents divorced after being married 30 years, and I just swore I was never going to do that too. But when I started to realize what the problem was here with my husband, and I started to really work on me, divorce became a thought I started entertaining.

I just don't know what else to do. I'm in therapy, I'm attending (and begining to really "get" Al-Anon) meetings and taking care of my responsibilities. But I can't make my husband live. How in the hell do you ever resolve an impossible situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If I leave, I worry about the effects on my children. If I stay, I worry about the effects on my children. Clearly, I am getting nowhere in this circular thinking.

And now I bought a house, we're going (me and the kids) and he's staying. If I wanted some change, we'll I've got it coming in spades. Better get the lead out of my ass and quick.


  1. I have to daily remind myself that I am powerless over my daughter's alcoholism and drug addiction. Her behavior, her choices, her life. The only thing I have any power over are the choices I make for myself. What I allow into my life....what kind of stress, what kinds of personal treatment, joy, serenity, peace. I now trust a power greater than myself to help me to navigate each day as it comes, bringing with it what it will. I am learning to live a life of surrender...its not about me knowing what to do next. Its about my submitting my will to my HP and following His lead. Your HP loves you and children more than you can fathom.

  2. i don't have the answers. not yet anyway. i too want to hit my head against this wall in front of me at times, but, that won't help. i guess time, doing what you do, having hope, is what's needed. eventually the answers will be clear. they'd better darn well be!

  3. I hope that those answers will come as you go further with the program. I hope that with the new house and some time to take care of yourself and focus on you, the answers will come. The answers are there--we just have to see them and be aware.