Friday, January 2, 2009

Everywhere you go, there you are

I have avoided new posts the past week. I didn't really know why until today. The sadness deep in me is suddenly palpable; if I put it all down in black and white I think I've been afraid I might just lay down and cry. But I can't give in, can I? I fantasize about a vacation by myself where I could sleep and write and cry as needed. As the sole financial support for this family, a caregiver to my father, and chauffeur to daughter's speech therapy twice weekly with a one hour drive each just seems irresponsible. Besides, as my mother so famously says, "Everywhere you go, there you are". Would a few days away by myself give me a break from my brain? Unfortunately not.

This past week husband has been so strange. I think he realizes how thin the ice he's skating truly is. This behaviour not only confuses me but makes me mad as hell. He hasn't been yelling at the kids, which is great. But then he wants to cut up and joke with me like nothing is wrong. He actually tried to kiss me as I pulled out of the driveway the other felt so foreign, so wrong. We have not slept in the same room for the better part of a year. We hardly speak most of the time, and when we do it's about the kids. About once a week I try to "check in" with him to see where he is on finding a therapist or treatment or a job, but it always descends quickly into him being angry and defensive. So this last week or two makes me want to crawl out of my skin, but even more it makes me question myself, and that feels worse than anything!

I want a divorce. I just feel guilty for wanting it, like I haven't tried hard enough, or that I am not thinking of my kids enough. When I have some clarity, I can let go of those issues. But my head is so cloudy right now and I'm just really tired.


  1. Wow. I have been here, hell somedays I am still here. I seem to teeter totter between one form of my marriage or the other...

    Taking care of yourself probobly feels foreign to you, because , well hell you take care of everyone else. you are the families sole provider, you are the one holding it all together and its no wonder that you have not imploded in a puddle of tears and screaming in order to let it all out...

    Hi. I am Cat and my husband is an alcoholic. I have bene in alanon (actively) for just over 4 months now so I do not know what it is all about, yet I am here to tell you that it is OK to take care of you - to put you first.

    Crazy as it sounds, its even harder to put into action, but once you begin the free feeling that comes with it will have you wanting to remember to do that again.

    I wish you much peace and hope.


  2. I only just read the phrase "where ever you go there you are". How true and I swear when I let the words sink in, how scary. I too have an alcoholic for a husband. He is sober, almost a year now. He is actively working a program of recovery, it has changed him and me in ways I never thought possible. I used to pray that he would stop drinking and that I would get the old him back, lol. Now I see that I was selling us both short! He had a lot of the same patterns as your husband. Angry, yelling, temperamental, hated Christmas, lol. The post about him complaining about how you snapped your fingers made me laugh out loud. How many times my husband has yelled at me over something like that! There is hope. I believe you are right, dry drunk is only slightly more tolerable then active addiction. Almost worse because for Pete's sake at least when they were drinking they had an excuse. I hope he gives AA or NA another chance, and I pray you find recovery for yourself either way.