I Believe

I have enjoyed for many months now several blogs by folks in recovery in both Al-Anon and AA. As I was perusing blogger today for new sources of wisdom, I wondered if my own blog could be as cathartic as reading about other's experiences. So here I am.

I am a mother to two wonderful children. I am married to an alcoholic. I have a wonderful but stressful career. And last, but certainly not least, my father is an alcoholic who is now in a nursing home.

My experience in the last handful of months can best be described as awakening. It's been both frightening and exhilerating, and I have no idea where it's all going to take me. I want to say that it's OK that I don't know, but the controlling part of me wants very much to know what the next hour, day, week, month, year and lifetime hold for me and the kids. Thankfully, at least part of my brain knows not only does that stuff (i.e., what the future holds) not matter, but that I have very little control over the world in general. Boy, it's tough to really embrace that idea.

It's Christmastime and the stress levels are wicked high. It's all self-imposed, but so much of what I want for my kids are memories of things done together...making cookies, being part of a community at church, helping others. This is where a big part of the anger I have comes in: I resent like hell that I am the only one who cares about doing anything but surviving in my home. My husband hates Christmas, and most other things too, by his own admission.

Husband is just shy of two years of abstinence. I carefully worded that sentence. In my estimation, he is a dry drunk. I'm sure on so many levels that my assesment of his situation is all wrong (as far as taking someone elses inventory), but as I have to live under the same roof and we are all subjected to his behaviour, it is my way of describing where he is in recovery terms. He is angry at the world and has frequent child-like outbursts. This would not be such a large problem, save the fact that he is a stay at home parent to our two smallish kids.

I am most concerned with the effect his anger has on our children. I grew up with a father who drank and still drinks. I am just now seeing how that has changed me. I always knew it was a factor, but I have finally been able to drill down to a very micro level, and to see how insidious this disease is to a family. I do not want my kids to live this way.