What makes one marriage work and another fail? For some time now, I have felt that a divorce is inevitable in my marriage, but concern for my children has kept me from making a final decision. I have a fantasy in my mind about how this process would go if I could craft it from start to finish. I would sit down, explain to my husband that I wanted a divorce and he would calmly and insightfully note that he too thought that after thinking for a while and trying every option, that he too thought it was best for all involved parties that we went our separate ways. We then resolve to sit down and figure out how we can best spend our time with our children, set up housing for all and acquire gainful employment for husband.
Remember, I said it was a fantasy. My husband is a man who struggles with making a decision about what to have for supper and is largely frozen in fear about how to handle the bigger issues in life. I have enabled him to not develop that process by making all those decisions for him. And by not taking any action, I keep teaching him how to treat me. Why I continue to expect different results from him just because I asked is really absurd. And intellectually I know this, but apparently the translator in my brain that tells me to take action has lost its decoder key. Or maybe I never had it to being with.
I am really pretty good with giving my children choices and following through on the consequences if they don't follow through. I keep forgetting that I am not dealing with an adult (in my husband) that understands that process. So what am I waiting for? Perhaps there are some alcoholics who grow into this process and learn, but I see very little change in him, and he has been abstaining for well over two years now. And now I realize that my decision to leave or stay has very little to do with him, what he is doing or not doing.
I think a marriage becomes its own entity in a way, and we certainly had our roles to play. I don't think that it is possible for it to continue to exist now that I no longer am willing to play my original role. We never developed mechanisms for communication. I anticipated everyones needs and I did the work and made the decisions to facilitate those actions. When that is the dynamic of a marriage, is it really possible to scrap it and start over? It certainly doesn't feel like it can from my vantage point. From where I'm standing I now realize that even if I am capable of taking care of everything it doesn't make a partnership when I dominate the decision making process. But I can't make my husband meet me halfway in this process, and he has not shown any interest or desire in stepping up to the plate.
So I wait. I don't like it. I fear that I am wasting the precious gift that is my life. And my children's life as well.
Just checking in
5 years ago
We had to face the fact that the old marriage was dead and that we were now in a different one from before. So we started over and made a decision to not try to change the other person, not to try to control the other, just to take care of ourselves and have mutual respect. It has worked much better than the old marriage which was out of balance. Not we stand on our own but are more united together.
ReplyDeleteRosalia That whole waiting thing - I have been there and in some respects I still am.
ReplyDeleteMy husband as well has difficulty being involved making decisions about our kids, but then when I give him every opportunity until the last minute and i finally manage it myself - he says he wanted the chance and I did not give him the time to handle it...
The truth is - People are enthusiastic about things that they want to participate in - things they see as a challenge or a good thing for them... Why my husband hesitates is because I have allowed him for so long to sit in the back seat - so now he is used to that, and I guess effort comes more slowly when you have gotten used to someone always taking care of things... right?
I like what Syd said. I once listened to an Alanon tape series by Mary Pearl on the 12 traditions applied to family life. She and her husband went through a marriage "re-do." The old one was gone, but a new one began built upon the principles and traditions of their programs. There is hope my friend.
ReplyDelete*I don't think that it is possible for it to continue to exist now that I no longer am willing to play my original role. We never developed mechanisms for communication. I anticipated everyones needs and I did the work and made the decisions to facilitate those actions. When that is the dynamic of a marriage, is it really possible to scrap it and start over? It certainly doesn't feel like it can from my vantage point. From where I'm standing I now realize that even if I am capable of taking care of everything it doesn't make a partnership when I dominate the decision making process. But I can't make my husband meet me halfway in this process, and he has not shown any interest or desire in stepping up to the plate.
ReplyDeleteSo I wait. I don't like it. I fear that I am wasting the precious gift that is my life. And my children's life as well. *
Rosalia, I could have written this word for word in early February. Although I am still grieving the loss of my dream for my family, it was only a dream. My children and I were never going to have what we needed while I cared for my STBX as a third child.
I'm so, so sorry for your pain
I am with Syd on this one. If you had asked me one year ago if my marriage was salvageable I would have said no. I knew that I needed to change, that I didn't like who I had become. I was also positive that if I made the necessary changes in myself that he would not be able to handle it, he would not love that person, could not be married to her. I was wrong. The part about never having developed mechanisms for communication, that was us to a tee. We got together when we were babies, 15 years old and had been communicating as such for the last 20 years! We still struggle with effective communication, but we have been blessed with him getting a sponsor and network that see that true recovery is more than abstinence. It is about living happy joyous and free. I work on me and he works on him and the more I grow the more he is nurtured and the more he grows the more I am nurtured. Don't give up just because he is not where you think he needs to be and don't live in the wreckage of the future by deciding that he can't or won't love the woman you are becoming. Keep up the good work you are doing on you and his decision is his. I hope he comes around.
ReplyDeletemuch love
Heather